Jokes

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neighbor
Posts: 419
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:06 pm

Jokes

Post by neighbor » Tue Aug 07, 2018 9:19 am

Aging Lola Smith went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

“It’s terrible, she said. “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”

“I see. Have you done anything about it?,” asked the doctor.

“Naturally,” she replied. “I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night,” she replied.

“No,” the doctor said. “I mean, do you take anything?”

“Naturally,” she answered. “I take a book.”

Liberty
Posts: 163
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2018 3:53 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Liberty » Thu Aug 30, 2018 9:51 am

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_______________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine.'
_______________________

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_______________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'but she's a great
cook and really good with the kids.'
_______________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Well, maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce
you man and wife.'
_______________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNAs all match.

2. There are no dental records.
_______________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
_______________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun!!! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan.'
_______________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
_______________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'Oh, I'm sorry...what was it he said,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
_______________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'you'd never get it all in one.'
_______________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightening, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she got there!'

neighbor
Posts: 419
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:06 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by neighbor » Sun Sep 02, 2018 8:01 pm

A little girl leans into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, this under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A nearby biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

the-cripple
Posts: 95
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 9:38 am

Re: Jokes

Post by the-cripple » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:44 am

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s pouring with rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

“God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
“Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

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Floyd
Posts: 443
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 4:11 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Floyd » Mon Oct 08, 2018 2:55 pm


User avatar
Floyd
Posts: 443
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 4:11 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Floyd » Mon Oct 15, 2018 9:58 am

Image

User avatar
Floyd
Posts: 443
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 4:11 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by Floyd » Fri Nov 02, 2018 10:12 am

Image

Two guys are driving through Montana when they get pulled over by a Cascade County Sheriff.

The sheriff walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the sheriff smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The sheriff says, "You're in Montana, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The sheriff runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window...

The passenger rolls his window down, and the sheriff smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The sheriff says, "Just making your wishes come true, we aim to please here in Montana."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The sheriff then says, "I just know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me."

neighbor
Posts: 419
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:06 pm

Viagra

Post by neighbor » Mon Nov 05, 2018 10:30 am

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

learning
Posts: 254
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:57 pm

Re: Jokes

Post by learning » Fri Nov 16, 2018 10:38 am

Image

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