Black Jokes

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Black Jokes

Post by neighbor » Wed Mar 21, 2018 5:12 pm

A spic walks into a bar and says, "Hey, nigger, give me a drink." The nigger bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "nigger." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The nigger says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"Sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the nigger walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The "bartender" stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here."
In a first grade class on the first day of school, the teacher wanted to get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names. A little niglet stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker." "Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher. "That's right ho, my name be Mother Fucker." "Well listen here," said the teacher, "this may be the first day of school, and you may think you can use foul language to get attention, but I can assure you that I won't tolerate it. Now, tell me your real name right now or I will send you straight to the principal's office." The black boy replied, "Look bitch, I said my name be Mother Fucker, and I mean ta tell ya, it be Mother Fucker!" "Well, that's it! Get out of my classroom right now!" The boy headed for the door and when he got there he turned to his twin brother who was also in the classroom and said, "Come on, Fuck Face, the bitch ain't gonna believe you either."

A nigger walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey, cool, where did you get that?" Duck says, "Africa, they are all over the fucking place."

Nigger walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctuh, you gots ta hep me! I'm dyin' and it hurts!" "Well, where does it hurt, boy?" "Oh lawd, it hurts here," pointing to his leg, "And it hurts here," pointing to his arm, "And it's killin' me here," pointing to his stomach. After a full examination, the doctor says, "Get out of my office you asshole, all you have is a broken finger!"

The Pope, a boy scout, and the smartest nigger in the world are on an airplane. The engines fail, the plane starts going down, and there is only 2 parachutes. The smartest nigger in the world says, "Due to my extraordinarily high intelligence, I believe it is imperative that I survive and continue to show my people the path to greatness." He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The Pope tells the boy scout, "I am an old man and I am ready to meet God, so you may use the remaining parachute, my son." The boy scout replies, "No, that's cool Pope, we both have parachutes because that nigger just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Can I help you boys?" "Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven." Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don't think so. You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don't let people like that in here. But I'll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now. If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in." Peter sends them away laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven. About 10 minutes later the preacher shows back up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "No shit! Satan let you come back?" "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for $20 bucks each we could get out of Hell." "Well, where is that rabbi?" "I don't know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95."

There is this rich Texas rancher who has a 100 meter long swimming pool with a shark in it. He has always said if anyone could swim from one end to the other without being eaten, he would give them either his daughter or his ranch. Well, his beautiful daughter had gone off to art school in New York and brought a nigger classmate home to one of her Dad's big barbecues. Of course, everyone is talking about how fucked up it is that the rancher's daughter brought a nigger there, when all of a sudden there was a huge splash. Everyone looked, and it was the nigger swimming his black ass off with the shark hot on his trail. At the other end of the pool the nigger threw himself out of the water and lay gasping and panting on the ground. The rancher came up and said, "Well, shit. I am a man of my word, so do you want my ranch or my daughter?" The nigger said, " Neither, I just want to know who pushed me into the pool."

It was the Summer of 1968 and a nigger showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter comes out and says, "Uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, we don't let niggers in here." "I know," said the nigger, "It's just that, I am from Alabama, and I grew up around White folks, and I like White folks, and I even married a White woman, so I thought maybe I could get in." Peter said, "Wait, you say you married a White woman in Alabama? When the hell was this?" The nigger looks at his watch and says, "Oh, about 10 minutes ago."

Two white convicts escape from their prison, only to find that a nigger has followed them out and is running along with them. The three of them see a few trees in the distance and they each climb up one to avoid the bloodhounds that are tracking them. When the police and dogs get to the first tree the dogs go crazy, barking and jumping. The White convict goes, "Meeeow," and the cops just think it is a cat stuck in a tree. So they go to the next tree where the other White convict says, "Hoo Hoo hoo Hoooo." The police figure it is just an owl in the tree. The nigger, hearing how the 2 White guys avoided capture, figures he will do the same, and when the dogs get to his tree, he lets out a lou, "Moooooooooo."
So anyway, they all three get captured, and now they face the firing squad. The first White guy is standing there and as the warden says, "Ready.....Aim...." the prisoner points behind the cops and yells, "Tornado!" As the firing squad turns to look for the twister, the convict jumps over the wall and escapes. Now they have the second White convict standing there. "Ready.....Aim...." He points over their shoulders and yells, "Flash flood!", and escapes as they turn to look. Now the nigger has his turn. "Ready.Aim....." Just then the nigger jumps up and points and yells, "Fire!"

2 priests are arguing over whether God is black or White. Finally the one says he will just go ask God himself. When he comes back he says with a shrug, "I don't know, he just said 'I am what I am'" The other priest says, Well, that proves it! God is white!" "How can you be so sure?" "Well, because, if God was a nigger he would have said, "I is what I is."

Two big, fat, greasy nigger bitches are at the zoo. These are some big buffarilla type women. So they go to the monkey section where the sign says, "Don't feed the gorilla." But the one woman tries to feed the big silverback a bannana anyway. Well, the huge gorilla walks over, bends the bars apart, grabs the nigger woman inside the cage, and beats the shit out of her and commences to raping her in the ass. It takes the zoo keepers 20 minutes to make the gorilla let go of her. They were spraying it with a fire hose, hitting it with sticks, finally they shot it with about 5 tranquilizers. So the one nigger woman goes to visit her friend in the hospital, and she is fucked up. Swollen eyes, missing teeth, hair all torn out, and as soon as she sees her friend she breaks out crying and sobbing. "There, there honey," says her friend, comforting her and holding her, "We are gonna get you through this and you are gonna be jus' fine, honey." "I know, I know," says the first one, "But he don't call and he don't write and he don't come visit....."

A black nun and a White nun are walking through Central Park at night when 2 niggers jump out and start raping them. The white nun prayed out loud, "Oh, forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do." The black nun exclaims, "Mine sure do!"

So a nigger gets a job digging telephone pole holes and at the end of the day the foreman comes by to see how many he had gotten done. "One, boss," he replied. "One! Hell everybody else can dig 15 holes a day!" "Yeah, sure, but they way they dig them, look how much of the telephone pole is still sticking out of the ground!"

A White man and a nigger are walking through the jungle when a lion jumps out to attack them. The White man throws a handful of sand in the lion's face and climbs up a tree real quick, and says to the nigger, who is still standing on the ground, "Hey, you better get your black ass up in this tree!" "Why?," said the spook, "I didn't throw sand in his face."

The FBI. sends an agent to South Africa to learn how the police there stop riots. The South African Police General takes him to a township disturbance where the police fire tear gas grenades at the nigger mob. The mob runs away a few blocks, regroups, and comes rushing back at the police. Then the cops open up on them with powerful fire hoses, sending the rioters spinning down the street like soccer balls. They regroup and come charging back again, only to be met with squads of German Shepherd attack dogs. They bite those niggers so full of holes that they run like hell and don't come back. "Very impressive," says the FBI agent, "But let me ask you; since the dogs were so effective, why not just use them first?" "Ah, you don't understand," said the Police general, "The niggers down here smell so bad, first we have to fumigate them and rinse them off before our dogs will touch them."

A guy walks into a bar and exclaims, "Goddamn, niggers are fucking assholes!" Someone at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I am offended by that!" "Why, you aren't a nigger." "I know, I'm a fucking asshole!"

A house at the end of the street in a small country town catches on fire. Soon it is fully engulfed in flames and it looks like there is no hope, when all of a sudden here comes a beat up old Chevy truck with a whole family of niggers crammed into it. Must have been 20 of them. Well, they come tearing through town, honking and waving and screaming for people to get out of the way, and they drive right straight into that burning house and stomp the whole damn fire out with their bare feet. The townspeople come crowding around them and congratulate them and thank them for saving the house, and as a token of their gratitude, they give the nigger family $100. "What are you going to do with the money?" they asked. "Well," says the father of the family, "First off we is gonna fix dem fuckin' brakes!"

A man is driving down the road and he sees a nigger family carrying furniture and dishes into an outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day he sees them attaching a satellite dish to the roof of the outhouse. He just shakes his head and keeps driving. The next day he drives by and sees two satellite dishes on the roof, and he stops to see what the hell is going on. He says to the nigger, "OK, first I see you carrying furniture into the outhouse and I figure you were moving in. Then I see you putting a dish on the roof, and I figure if you are living in a shit house you might as well watch T.V. But now I see two dishes on the roof. It is such a small outhouse, why do you need two satellite dishes?" The nigger replied, "Oh, we rented the basement out to Mexicans."

A Hindu a Jew and a nigger are all walking through the country and stop at a farmer's house to see if they could sleep there for the night. "Well," said the farmer, "All I got fer ya is the barn." The three travelers all agreed that the barn was fine, and the farmer showed them the way. A few minutes later there is a knock at the farmer's door. It was the Hindu. He said, "I am very sorry, but there is a cow in the barn and it is strictly forbidden for me to sleep in the barn with a cow. Besides, it smells like shit out there." "Oh, fine, you can sleep in the damn house!" said the farmer. A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time it's the Jew. He said, "Sir, I am Jewish, and you expect me to sleep in the same barn as a pig? A dirty, disgusting, filthy swine? Besides, it smells like shit out there." "Fine, fine, you can sleep in the damn house, just stop bitching!" A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. "I swear to God if it's that damn nigger I am going to whip his ass, because I'll be damned if I let him sleep in my house!" The farmer opened the door and it was the pig and the cow.

A nigger finds a magic lamp and rubs it and when the genie pops out he told her he wanted to be "Tight, White, and outta sight!" So she turned him into a Tampon.

Two niggers walking down the street see a sign that says, "Turn White for $15." The two groids turn their pockets inside out only to discover that one has a 20 dollar bill and the other one has a 10 dollar bill. Since neither one of them has exactly $15, they can't figure out how they can both get turned White.....Finally one of them has a stroke of genius. "You take $20 and go in there and get turned White, then when you come out you can give me your $5 change and then I will have $15 and I can get turned white, too!" "Bet, dog," says the other bootlip, and he goes inside. 10 minutes later, you wouldn't believe it. That nigger was blond haired, blue eyed, and even had on a suit and a tie. The first nigger says, "Man, holy shit, I can't believe it, you are really White! Hurry up and give me that $5 so I can do it too!" "Fuck you, nigger, get a job!"

A first grade teacher wanted to help her students learn black history so one Thursday, she told them that she would read them some famous quotes and whoever could guess who said it could stay home from school the next day. The first one she read was, "By any means necessary." Hands shot up. "Yes, Leroy, can you tell me who said that?" "Malcom X." "That's right," said the teacher, "You may go home now, and you don't have to come to class tomorrow." The next one was, "I have a dream." Again, dozens of little black hands went up. "Yes, Shaquita, do you know who said that?" "Martin Luther King, Jr." "Why yes, that's right, you can go home early and skip school tomorrow also." From the back of the classroom came a disgusted voice, "You goddamn niggers make me fucking sick." The teacher ran to the back of the room and screamed, "Who said that!?" The little White boy jumped out of his chair and headed for the door, saying on his way out, "David Duke. See ya Monday, bitch!"

A nigger finds a lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out and offers to grant him a wish. He told her he wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of his life with 3 women in bed with him. The next day he woke up in bed with Hillary Clinton, Lorena Bobbitt, and Tonya Harding. His dick was gone, his leg was broken, and he didn't have any health insurance.

An old jew bitch was walking her grandson down the beach when a huge wave came up and washed the little boy out to sea. The old woman shook her fist at the sky and cursed God for 20 minutes for taking her only grandson. Finally God couldn't stand the irritating bitch anymore and he sent another wave that set the boy, unharmed, gently back at her feet. After a quick search of the boy she shook her fist at the sky and shrieked, "He had 50 cents in his pocket when you took him!"

A nigger couple showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter came out and said, "Yes?" "Uh, well sir, my wife and I just died in a car wreck, and we thought we could get into Heaven now." Peter looked at his clipboard and shook his head. "No, you two have been pretty scandalous, I don't think we can have you in here. Well....tell you what. I will bring you back to life and put you back on Earth for 30 days. If you can show some self control and abstain from having sex for the whole month, I will let you in." A month later the 2 showed back up at Heaven. "Well," said Peter, "how did you do?" The nigger replied, "Well, we did great for the first 28 days, but then my wife dropped a bag of potato chips on the floor, and when she bent down to pick them up I just lost it and did her right there on the floor." "That's too bad, because now you know I can't let you into Heaven," said Peter. "Oh, that's OK," said the nigger, "they won't let us back in the grocery store, either."

An Indian chief went to a whorehouse and said he wanted a woman. The madam asked him if he had ever been with a woman before, and he said no. She told him to go find a tree with a hole in it and practice on that for a while. He came back a week later and said he had practiced fucking a hole in a tree and now he wanted a woman. He went upstairs with a whore, but about 30 seconds later she came running down the stairs yelling and screaming, bloody and bruised, with the injun running behind her swinging a large stick. The madam said, "What the hell are you doing to my whore?" The Indian replied, "This time me check for bees first!"

A little niglet put some flour on his face and when his mother came home he said, "Look Momma, I is a White boy!" She slapped him and sent him to his room. When his father came home he came running out and said, "Look Daddy, I is a White boy!" His father slapped him and sent him to his room. Finally the boy's grandmother came home and the boy thought for sure that she wouldn't be so mean, so he ran out and said, "Hey, I is a White boy!" When his grandmother also slapped his face, the boy shouted, "I has only been White for 15 minutes and I already hate you damn niggers!"

A nigger finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. When he sees the nigger he says, "Oh, shit. What do you want?" The nigger says, "I want a bridge from America to Africa made out of pure gold." The genie says, "Are you fucking crazy? You know how much gold that would take? That is impossible. Pick something else." So the nigger says, "OK, I want all the little nigger children to be just as smart and good looking as the White children." The genie says, "OK, so that bridge, you want it to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?"

A nigger boy comes home from his first grade class and said, "Momma, all the White kids made an A+ on the math test, but I failed. Why is that?" His mother said, "It's because you are black, my son." Then the boy said, "And all the White kids got an A+ on the spelling test, but I failed that too. How come?" "Because you are black, my son," said his mother. "But then when we took a shower after gym class, I noticed my dick was bigger than all the White boy's dicks. Why is that?" "Well son," she said, "that is because you are 15 years old."

A trucker carrying a load of bowling balls picked up 2 nigger hitch hikers who were pushing bikes with flat tires. He tells them they have to ride in back with the bowling balls, which is fine with them. A few miles down the road a cop pulls the truck over for speeding and he asks to look in the back of the truck. After a quick glance he shuts the door and tells the trucker to get the hell down the road as fast as he can. Then he gets on the police radio and tells his chief, "I got a truck headed your way, you escort him to the county line and get them to escort him right out of the state, quick!" "Why, what the hell is wrong?" asked the chief. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong....that truck is carrying a load of nigger eggs and 2 of them have already hatched and stole some bikes!"

A Chinese man and a jew are drinking at a bar when the jew gets nasty. "You motherfuckers ought to be ashamed of yourselves for Pearl Harbor. Sneaky little shits, bombing all of those innocent sailors, fuck you." The chink replied, "Hey! Wait a minute, that wasn't us! I'm Chinese. Pearl Harbor was done by Japanese." The jew said, "Ahh, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" So the chink says, "Well, what about your people? Sinking the Titanic and killing all those helpless women and children, I should fuck you up right here." The kike exclaimed, "What the hell are you yapping about? Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it hit an iceberg, you jackass!" The chink said, "Ahh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

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Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 9:38 am

Re: Black Jokes

Post by the-cripple » Wed Mar 21, 2018 5:40 pm

What's the difference between dog poop and niggers?
When dog poop gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What did the Alabama sheriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?
Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic?
Someone too lazy to steal.

Why don't niggers take aspirin?
They refuse to pick the cotton out.

What do nigger kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.

What's a niggers idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."

What do you call an apartment full of niggers?
A COON-dominium.

Why are there no nigger astronauts?
Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.

What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?
First grade.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits
the ground first?
Who cares.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits
the ground first?
The spic, because the nigger had to stop on the way down and
spray paint "mother*er" on the wall.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

What do you call a nigger in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.

There is a nigger and a spic in a car, who's driving?
The cop.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

Why are niggers like sperm?
Only one in a million actually work.

Why do police dogs lick their ass?
To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth.

Why did the nigger carry a piece of * in his wallet?

What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who

Did you hear about the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

How do you stop a nigger from going out?
Pour more gas on him.

Did you hear about the nigger with insomnia?
He kept waking up twice a week.

What do you do if you run over a nigger?
Back up.

Why do decent white folks shop at nigger yard sales?
To get all their stuff back.

Who were the three most famous women in black history?
Aunt Jemima, Diana Ross, and Mother *er!

Hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"?
You put it on the front of your car.

What do Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have in common?
They're both niggers.

How come Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles can't read?
They're both niggers.

Why do niggers wear wide-brimmed hats?
So pigeons can't shit on their lips.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a Vietnamese?
Nothing. There are some things even a Vietnamese won't do.

What do you do if you see a nigger with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload.

Why can't nigger women become nuns?
Because they can't get used to saying 'superior' after 'Mother'.

What's yellow and black and makes you laugh ?
A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
You don't.

What's a crying shame?
When a bus full of niggers drives off a cliff and there were 3 empty

What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass?
A dart.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because one of them lost a quarter.

What does N.A.A.C.P stand for?
Niggers Are Always Causing Problems

How many spics does it take to have a bath?
Five, one to lie in the tub and four to spit on him.

What do a nigger and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

Why are niggers always buried 12 feet deep?
Deep down they're good people.

What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape?
The length of the chain.

How does a black woman fight crime?
She has an abortion.

What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
"Drop it nigger."

Why do mexicans have re-fried beans?
Have you ever heard of a mexican doing anything right the first time?

How can you tell a mexican airline?
It's the one with hair under the wings.

Why can't spics be firefighters?
They can't tell Jose from hose B.

What did the nigger say when he slid down the zebra?
Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you

Do you remember the nigger family on the Jetsons? No?
The future looks pretty good!

Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death?
Turns out he just had diarrhea.

Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving?
KFC isn't open on holidays.

Why do niggers like basket ball?
It involves running, shooting and stealing.

Most of you are well aware that NASA sent several chimps into orbit before they risked a human. But did you know that NASA actually sent a nigger into orbit with a chimpanzee once? Of course, NASA will deny it - and for good reason because here is what happened.

Once the capsule was in orbit, the nigger watched the chimp like a hawk to see what it would do. It wasn't long before the chimp reached up and flipped a toggle switch on the panel directly over its head. The nigger then did exactly the same thing with the toggle switch on the panel over his head.

A little later, the chimp reached forward and made a minor adjustment to one of the rotary knobs directly in front of it. Once again, the nigger saw what the chimp did and did exactly the same thing with the rotary knob in front of him.

After several orbits, the chimp reached into a zippered pocket on its left sleeve and removed a small piece of paper. The chimp looked at the paper, folded it carefully, and returned it to the pocket.

Once again, carefully emulating the chimp, the nigger unzipped the pocket on the left sleeve of his spacesuit to learn the contents of the paper. Much to the nigger's dismay, there was no paper in the pocket. The nigger then feverishly searched every pocket of his spacesuit looking for the paper, but to no avail. There was no paper.

When the chimp was occupied elsewhere, the nigger carefully reached over and removed the paper from the chimp's pocket. Turning away from the chimp so that the chimp couldn't see, the nigger unfolded the paper. Here is what it said:

"Feed the nigger at noon."

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